小伙伴们大家好，欢迎来到本期的“国外也有段子手”！上周的欧冠赛场精彩看点层出不穷，曼联主场不敌巴萨，热刺战胜曼城，利物浦轻取波尔图，尤文与阿贾克斯战平，阿森纳则在欧联杯中战胜那不勒斯。周末联赛，利物浦战胜切尔西继续领跑，曼城、曼联纷纷取胜，而巴萨、尤文等队则接连丢分。好了，话不多说，让我们快来看看歪果仁们的精彩吐槽吧！

萨拉赫马内进球，利物浦2-0切尔西

sarcastr0naut(利物浦球迷)：比赛里这么多润滑剂的广告，为啥我们还是插不进去啊？(So many ads for lubricants, and yet we're still struggling with penetration.)

ShunningResumed(布里斯托球迷)：起码把你们滑倒了吧…(Might cause a slip though.)

kaj1981(未知主队球迷)：伊瓜因就像是在穿着牛仔裤跑步一样…(Higuain runs like he's wearing jeans.)

GlumElderberry(切尔西球迷)：我那只截了肢乌龟都比伊瓜因跑得快！(My amputated turtle would outpace Higuain, fucking hell.)

Viktorenox(未知主队球迷)：萨拉赫绝对是最不合格的昙花一现！(Worst one season wonder ever.)

ArizonaBong(罗达JC球迷)：这就是你们说的炸弹，一发入魂炸进你们的球门啦！(There's your fucking bomb! Bombed it right into the top corner.)

(注：之前有部分极端切尔西球迷讽刺萨拉赫为“炸弹袭击者”)

ImZaffi(利物浦球迷)：那些种族歧视的切尔西球迷其实没错，埃及确实是有大杀器啊！(The racist Chelsea fans were right, the Egyptian has rockets!)

Cillian_Brouder(利物浦球迷)：凯帕：“教练，我想被换下场…”(Kepa Arrizabalaga: "Maurizio, I'd like to be taken off now.")

Raptorized(利物浦球迷)：萨拉赫在告诉阿扎尔悠着点踢，毕竟马上就是皇马的人了…(Salahs telling hazard to take it easy since he's going to Madrid anyway.)

VictorAkwaowo1(皇马球迷)：阿扎尔，我来帮你收拾行李吧！(I’ll pack your bags for you Hazard.)

lycan_the_dog(巴萨球迷)：一想到阿扎尔加盟皇马，就感觉好怕怕…(I'm getting scared by the prospect of Hazard joining Madrid.)

Holy_Wut_Plane(皇马球迷)：如果用你们的10号球员来换，那我们就把阿扎尔让给你们，怎么样？(We can take that number 10 guy of yours and we'll give you Hazard.)

WakeUpKevinMiller(巴萨球迷)：切尔西球员咋在半场期间又热身了一遍？(why Chelsea's XI are warming up again during halftime.)

Byzantiums(华盛顿球迷)：毕竟上半场一直都猫在自己禁区里，有点冻感冒了…(All the standing around in the box had them cold in the first half.)

EdenFuckingHazard(切尔西球迷)：好吧，至少我还有《权力的游戏》可以看...(Well, at least there's Game of Thrones.)

diata22(利物浦球迷)：《权游》还不是一样会让你心碎？(That's definitely gonna break your heart as well.)

Djent_Reznor1(切尔西球迷)：多希望我是一个中立球迷，这样我就能好好欣赏这一场比赛了…(I wish I were a neutral so I could enjoy this fucking game.)

Kardinale(曼联球迷)：握日哦，曼联还得尽力击败曼城帮利物浦夺冠？(United is gonna beat City and hand Liverpool the title, fucks sake.)

NSFW_PICS_GIRL(皇马球迷)：科瓦契奇离开皇马，只因不愿生活在莫德里奇的阴影之中，没想到在切尔西又被巴克利的阴影罩住了…(Kovacic left Madrid to be out of Modric’s shadow and ended up under Barkley’s shadow.)

斯特林梅开，曼城3-1 水晶宫

Clashoftherats(利物浦球迷)：如果德布劳内整个赛季都没伤病，曼城联赛恐怕又能得100分了！(If De Bruyne was fit the whole season, City would’ve probably finished on 100 again.)

SwitzerlandNotInEU(未知主队球迷)：唉，可怜的曼城，这个赛季也就只能得98分了...(Poor City will have to finish on 98 instead :(

Kolarovmcfc(曼城球迷)：看得我裤子都湿了…(My pants are wet.)

TortoiseT(比利时球迷)：当传球比进球更值得打一发飞机时，你就知道那肯定是丁丁的助攻！(You know it's a KdB assist when wank more over the assist than the actual goal.)

Guevarra25(未知主队球迷)：我坚信德布劳内眼里的世界都是慢动作！(Im convinced De Bruyne sees things in slow motion.)

Whatisthescen(阿森纳球迷)：哈哈，瓜瓜和阿尔特塔的侧入式是我最新喜欢的庆祝动作！(Haha Pep spooning Arteta is my new favourite celebration.)

TheConundrum98(利物浦球迷)：还能不能看一次水晶宫在开场前5分钟不丢球的比赛了？(Can we see Palace not conceding in the first 5 minutes please?)

lonewarrior1104(曼城球迷)：门迪的传中是要穿过宇宙去找钢铁侠了吧！(Mendy sending that cross to Tony Stark across the universe.)

卢克-肖乌龙，曼联0-1巴塞罗那

LosTerminators(巴萨球迷)：我们在欧冠客场还是进不了球，还好你们红魔球员给帮忙进了一个…(And we can't score outside Camp Nou in CL, so your player did the job for us.)

FatherOop(纽约城球迷)：巴萨这看起来像是在给周末踢韦斯卡留力啊！(Barcelona frankly looked like they were conserving energy for Huesca.)

Twersx(曼联球迷)：我们的表现其实不错，说实话，我魔能坚持到1/4决赛已经超过了我的预期，被淘汰也问心无愧了！(Good game. tbh quarterfinal is already beyond my expectation, we can smile even if being knocked out.)

Cerxa(未知主队球迷)：卢克-肖：倘若我问心有愧呢？(Except Shaw.)

StringTailor(曼联球迷)：现在我怀疑阿什利-扬连一条马路都横穿(传)不过去了！(I don’t think Ashley Young can even cross the road at this point.)

lmh971(曼城球迷)：阿什利-扬的表现就像是在商场悄悄偷东西，然后再装作一副四处闲逛打酱油的样子…(Ashley Young plays like he's shop-lifted and is trying to move around without looking suspicious.)

WildVariety(曼联球迷)：阿什利-扬绝对是今天巴萨的全场最佳！(Ash Young man of the match for Barca.)

Billythecar(卢森堡球迷)：不是卢克-肖吗？(Not Shaw?)

IrrationalReactions(巴萨球迷)：斯莫林最终还是找到了阻挡梅西的办法啊！(Smalling had a plan to stop messi after all.)

rolandGOAT(未知主队球迷)：有没有人收集一下梅西流的血，这样我们就可以克隆他了！(Someone collect that blood so we can clone Messi.)

DarkSofter(曼联球迷)：这赛季欧冠我们就在老特拉福德进了一个球，那还是在踢伯尔尼年轻人的时候，进球的还是费莱尼大大，而且还是通过VAR才被判进的球...(We have scored ONLY 1 goal at Old Trafford this CL, against Young Boys, and that was from lord Fellaini, which would have been disallowed if there was VAR.)

Shrewdy(未知主队球迷)：根据以往经验，索尔斯克亚执教曼联在欧冠淘汰赛第二轮的战绩显赫，势头很猛！虽然这样本数量有点少…(Utd under Ole in an away 2nd leg in Europe coming from behind are scary too though. Sure, there's not a huge sample size, but still...)

redwan010(曼联球迷)：本来这周我都打算戒烟了，现在感觉我是选错周了…(Decided to quit smoking this week, but I have definetely chose the wrong week.)

hks2293(未知主队球迷)：流血的梅西是相当危险的，马德里球迷都知道的…(Bleeding Messi is dangerous. Madrid fans know all about it.)

N1njaCh0p(曼城球迷)：就算特尔施特根在场上睡大觉，对结果恐怕也没什么影响…(Ter Stegen could have fallen asleep in pitch and it wouldn’t have mattered.)

Maskiwear(巴萨球迷)：很遗憾我们的秘密前锋卢克-肖下一场要禁赛了！(Pity that our secret striker will be suspended next game.)

Scourgal(热刺球迷)：就单看斯莫林这个发型，就该把他红牌罚下！(Chris smalling should get sent off for his hairdo alone.)

Chelseasaints(切尔西球迷)：为了防止博格巴在场上摆烂，是不是得每隔几个月就得换一次新教练？(Is Pogba going to need a new manager every few months to stop him barely trying for the majority of games he plays?)

C罗进球，尤文图斯1-1阿贾克斯

NoTheShitposter(波尔图球迷)：踢欧冠的时候有C罗，这简直就是在作弊！(Having Ronaldo for your team in the CL is like cheating at this point.)

Demonationz(斯旺西球迷)：就算你再设法不睡觉，C罗还是能出现在你的噩梦里！(You may keep awakebut Ronaldo is still in your nightmares after.)

WaxFaster(尤文球迷)：尼玛，阿贾克斯这传球就像是玩FIFA的传奇模式一样！(Ajax passing is like playing FIFA on legend mode holy shit.)

popoley4221998(热刺球迷)：我愿意将我左边的蛋蛋捐出去，来换取阿贾克斯进入四强…(I would've given my left nut for Ajax to get to the semis.)

tehMadher(阿贾克斯球迷)：我们掌控比赛太久了，看来C罗的进球马上就要来了…(We're dominating so much that I feel another Ronaldo goal is coming soon.)

afcaMouz(阿贾克斯球迷)：就像我们踢皇马那场一样，射10次才能换来1个进球，而C罗只需要1次尝试就进球了…(Just like against Real Madrid we score 1 goal for every 10 attempts, whereas Ronaldo only needs 1 attempt.)

hufusa(皇马球迷)：感觉输给阿贾克斯也不是那么丢人了，他们踢得明明很好的…(Losing to Ajax suddenly doesn’t feel so bad this team is looking pretty damn good if I gotta be honest.)

Boomtown_Rat(未知主队球迷)：握日哦，怎么没人告诉我在BR体育直播的评述员竟然是纳什？(Fuck, why did no one tell me they had Steve Nash covering the champions league on bleacher report?)

jeroen115(阿贾克斯球迷)：阿贾克斯算是唯一一个敢在如此重要的比赛里让一名19岁的小将上演欧冠首秀的球队了，而他之前在联赛出场也只有过17分钟而已…(The only club who would let a 19 year make his debut in the champions league while only having played 17 minutes in the eredevisie. Never change ajax.)

wait_whaaattt(利物浦球迷)：我们是梦回1996年了吗？(Are we back in 1996 ?)

孙兴慜进球，热刺1-0曼城

sto_248(利物浦球迷)：孙纳尔多！(SONALDO!)

Kresbot(英格兰球迷)：齐达内已经去找孙兴慜的地址了！(Zidane wants to know his location.)

Tklfillerz(曼联球迷)：作为正在服兵役的韩国人，我只想说...孙兴慜被免兵役真的是谢天谢地了…(As a guy currently serving in the korean army I can say... thank God Son got exempted.)

OhShitItsSeth(热刺球迷)：说真的，如果孙兴慜真的去参加统一朝韩的战争会怎样呢？(Seriously. What if he was to unite the North and South?)

Ilholtstilin(热刺球迷)：请认真告诉我，难道你不想跟着孙兴慜一起上前线吗？(Tell me with a straight face you wouldn't follow this guy into battle.)

SiriPickLips(美国球迷)：不想。(No.)

Mr_Hendrix(热刺球迷)：曼城的板凳上坐着丁丁、萨内和热苏斯，而我们的替补席上只有33岁的高个老将，18岁青瓜蛋子和一个玻璃人万亚马…(Man City bench: KDB, Sane, Jesus. Spurs bench: 33 year old tall man, 18 year old nerd, and a broken Wanyama.)

CA_spur(热刺球迷)：小伙子们真让我骄傲！就算下周被踢出翔也无所谓，干就完了！(So proud of the lads. I'll be browning my jeans next week, but COYMFS!)

Zeqqy(未知主队球迷)：你怎么能让才一米七的斯特林去当人墙…(How the fuck do you hit 5 foot 7 Sterling in a one man wall?)

Cheetos4You(阿森纳球迷)：为什么每次我们嘲笑热刺最厉害的时候，他们都能用成绩打我们的脸…(I swear, whenever we mock Spurs the most, they come in and fucking prove everyone wrong.)

Freakedmind(未知主队球迷)：丁丁上场后唯一的收获，就是和偶像西索科交换了球衣！(kdb only came on to swap shirts with his idol, Sissoko.)

Carterish(利物浦球迷)：瓜瓜欧冠淘汰赛客场的尴尬纪录还在继续啊，上次在1/4决赛或半决赛赢球还是在2011年…(Pep's away woes in Champions League continue. Last away win in Quarters or Semi was in 2011.)

凯塔菲米进球，利物浦2-0波尔图

Axelthegreat(马竞球迷)：2-0的比分是最危险的领先了，看来利物浦铁定被淘汰出局！(2-0 is the most dangerous lead. Liverpool look to be going out.)

Ze4npis(AC米兰球迷)：其实3个才是最危险的。(No, 3-0 is the most dangerous.)

Anymotora(巴黎球迷)：哦？(ahhh?)

Jyoung59(阿森纳球迷)：几个月都不进球，而这一周内就进了俩，凯塔这是被解除封印了？(Two goals in the span of a week, after not scoring in a several months, Keita unlocked.)

Blodyck(本菲卡球迷)：利物浦球迷对卡西利亚斯的礼遇，比皇马球迷还要多…(The moment when Liverpool fans appreciate Casillas more than Real Madrid fans.)

Battlepants1178(利物浦球迷)：我不管，亨德森就是世界最佳中场！而且还是独一档哦！(Fuck me, Henderson is the best midfielder in the world and it's not even close.)

Monkeybawz(利物浦球迷)：那是因为米尔纳去踢左后卫了！(Only cos milner is playing at left back!)

GNeiva(波尔图球迷)：让我们也玩一两分钟球好不好？还有就是能不能别虐我们了…(Can we have the ball for like a minute or two? Stop bullying us.)

SusanBoyleMLG(阿森纳球迷)：我希望利物浦和巴萨晋级，这样就有机会看到范戴克单挑梅西了！(I would like Liverpool and Barcelona to advance. Interested in seeing that match and Messi 1v1 against van dijk)

拉姆塞进球，阿森纳2-0那不勒斯

BigFaxxx(未知主队球迷)：你厂这主场踢得像巴萨，客场立马就变成伯恩利了。(Barca at home, Burnley away from home.)

Munkysnuflz(奥斯丁球迷)：这是伯恩利被黑得最惨的一次...(Too harsh on Burnley.)

BCastle18(皇马球迷)：如果阿森纳的客场成绩能跟主场踢得一样，那绝对就是世界最佳球队了！(If Arsenal played away games like they did home games they'd be the best team in the world lmao.)

Robozomb(阿森纳球迷)：我们能不能给酋长球场装上轮子，然后每次客场都把它带过去？(Can we just put wheels on the Emirates and just bring it with us wherever we play?)

HKAGooner(英格兰球迷)：拉姆塞狂虐那不勒斯，看来去尤文踢球绝对是无缝切换了！(Ramsey bullying Napoli, seems like he's going to fit in well at Juve.)

giggitygigg14(阿森纳球迷)：我强烈要求把拉姆塞再从尤文买回来…(I DEMAND WE BUY RAMSEY BACK FROM JUVE.)

Cestpasproblem(国际米兰球迷)：哈哈，阿森纳在欧联踢得像曼城，而曼城在欧冠踢得就像阿森纳！(Lol arsenal playing like man city in Europa and man city playing like arsenal in champions.)

博格巴点射，曼联2-1西汉姆联

TyraTanks(多特球迷)：有时候博格巴绝对值9000万的价格，但有时候也就值9万…(So some days, Pogba looks like €90M, some days €90000.)

Vadapaav(利物浦球迷)：也许博格巴必须得在新教练调教下才能踢好！(May be he will do better under new United manager.)

ryanedwards0101(曼联球迷)：为啥我们踢得好的时候就会输球，而明明踢得很烂的时候却又能赢了…(Why every time we play well we lose. When we're shit we win.)

moonski(未知主队球迷)：所以曼联现在接下来的比赛全都摆烂，这样不就能取得最好结果啦！(So all man u need to do is play awful for the rest of the season for maximum points?)

VictorAkwaowo1(皇马球迷)：曼联的防守绝对是比悲伤更悲伤的故事了…(Manchester United’s defense is beyond terrible.)

Miniatom(曼联球迷)：哪还有心思看球啊，对我而言最期待的是明天《权力的游戏》更新和24号的复联4！(Not interested in football. For me Game of Thrones tomorrow and Avengers the 24th.)

Eternal0000(未知主队球迷)：我们最能利用好卢卡库传中的球员，就是卢卡库自己…(Best use of Lukaku's cross is Lukaku.)

naumankhan02(曼城球迷)：如果德赫亚真的去了皇马，曼联究竟会变成什么样子…(What will happen to Manchester United if De Gea moves to Madrid?)

小基恩进球，尤文1-2斯帕尔

DankestOfFranks(未知主队球迷)：小基恩进球就像我拉翔一样容易，每天都得来个一两次！(This kid scores goals like I take shits. Once a day and sometimes twice.)

Goldaniga(尤文球迷)：来啊，小基恩老爹拖拉机的钱我出了！(Cum on I’ll pay for his father’s tractors.)

(注：小基恩的父亲曾表示尤文欠他两台拖拉机)

Sooshi(曼联球迷)：天呐，尤文现在只领先20分了，这真是太危险了！(Oh man it’s dangerous, now they're only 20 points clear.)

TheMemeStar24(那不勒斯球迷)：也就是说，我们还有夺冠的机会咯？(there's still a chance bois.)

好了，亲爱的小伙伴们，本期的“国外也有段子手”就为大家播报到这了，让我们拭目以待，来看下期歪果仁们更加精彩的犀利吐槽吧!