小伙伴们大家好，欢迎来到每周的“国外也有段子手”！上周的国际赛场精彩看点层出不穷，马竞7-3大胜皇马，利物浦负那不勒斯，阿森纳负里昂，曼联战胜热刺，切尔西战胜巴萨，而皇马和阿森纳、尤文和国米则通过点球大战决出胜负。好了，话不多说，让我们快来看看歪果仁们更加精彩的犀利吐槽吧！

不可思议，马竞7-3大胜皇马

y333zy(未知主队球迷)：如果你关掉评论员的声音，你就会听到贝尔在用中文哈哈大笑。(If you mute the commentator you can hear Bale laughing in Mandarin.)

RodStewartsHairspray(未知主队球迷)：中国的高尔夫球场很有名吗？(Is China well known for it's golf courses?)

canyewez32(皇马球迷)：住手…我们都卖给你们球员了，能不能给我们一点面子…(Stop please we sold you our players have some respect wtf.)

Cream-Benzema(皇马球迷)：我希望库尔图瓦能有一根超长的丁丁，这样他就不会再被穿裆了….(I wish Courtois had a long dick so he wouldn’t get nutmegged…)

Reasonsprince(马竞球迷)：我的天，看菲利克斯这表现，我们这笔钱花的并不冤枉对吧？(Bloody hell, Felix. We don’t look stupid for splurging anymore, do we?)

Brentneger(未知主队球迷)：不，我们还得看他对阵强队时候的表现才行呢！(No, we need to see how he performs against a good team.)

Upthebannana(切尔西球迷)：起码这次没给马塞洛再来一次1-7…(At least its not 7-1 for marcelo again.)

VivaLaWeeb(皇马球迷)：下半场3-2意味着我们和马竞各赢半场，所以我猜得通过点球大战一决胜负了！(3-2 in second half means each won one. Guess we'll have to find a winner in penalties.)

20manolis(未知主队球迷)：如果这是欧冠的话，那我们肯定会看到一场8-7的大逆转！(If that was a CL match the we would have seen an 8-7 comeback.)

werrt1234(阿根廷球迷)：皇马应该让B队上的…(Madrid should've started their B team.)

clashoftherats(利物浦球迷)：千万不要被这夸张的比分蒙蔽了双眼，其实马竞应该赢得更多才对。(Dont get fooled by the score, Atletico should’ve won by a much larger margin.)

wulteer(热刺球迷)：请问有什么地方我可以把埃里克森藏起来吗？(Where can I hide one Eriksen please?)

TomasRoncero(皇马球迷)：我们这是要降级了…(we're gonna get relegated.)

SlowAtMaxQ(巴萨球迷)：对，你们是要降级了，可你们最后还是特么能赢欧冠冠军！(Yeah your gonna get relegated. But your also gonna fucking win the champions league.)

Ruskyline(曼联球迷)：起码齐祖不会因为这次惨败而掉头发了…(At least Zidan won't lose hair over this.)

OnsenCannonball(阿森纳球迷)：可怕的不只是皇马的后防线，更让人悲伤的是锋线上最具威胁的球员竟是贝尔…(Not only was Real Madrid's defense terrible, but the fact that Bale was the most threatening offensive player makes it even more sad.)

B0ds(切尔西球迷)：科斯塔50分钟就进了4个球，而库尔图瓦半场丢了5个球，这真是切尔西球迷梦遗成真的一天…(Costa scoring 4 goals in 50 mins, Courtois conceding 5 in a half, it's like a Chelsea fans wet dream has come to fruition.)

shastmak4(切尔西球迷)：阿扎尔，如果你想回就回来吧，我们愿意把钱退给皇马！(Eden you can come back if you want. We’ll just give them the money back.)

Balls_of_Adamanthium(西班牙球迷)：维尼修斯的跑位价值百万，而临门一脚只值5分钱…(Vinicius has million dollar moves and 5 cents finishes.)

Alielsaeed(阿森纳球迷)：机智的塞巴略斯，加盟了阿森纳就可以避免这场羞辱之战了！(5D chess from Ceballos joining Arsenal to avoid being associated with this humiliation.)

Taylorrible(热刺球迷)：也只有科斯塔能进4个球而且还被红牌罚下…(Only Costa can score 4 goals and then get a red card.)

MeLikesPrequelMemes(巴西球迷)：齐达内在中场就要对皇马全部首发施展铁头功了！(Zidane about to headbutt every single RM starter at half time.)

多主力缺阵，利物浦0-3那不勒斯

TomasRoncero(皇马球迷)：我觉得利物浦和皇马要为了保级而战了...(Well I think Liverpool and Madrid will be fighting for relegation.)

Prashantchvd(巴萨球迷)：别担心老铁，下回合肯定能4-0逆转，易如反掌好吧！(Don't worry lads, 4-0 in the return leg, easy peasy.)
 

CasinoOasis2(未知主队球迷)：奥里吉和马诺拉斯都在场上，巴萨球迷有回忆了...(Origi and Manolas on the same pitch, Barcelona fans having flashbacks)

AmineKarray(曼城球迷)：利物浦的三叉戟到社区盾杯能回归吗？帮一个朋友问的嗷...(will liverpool front 3 be ready for the community shield? asking for a friend OwO.)

iDontDabSon(查尔顿球迷)：奥里吉看起来就像鞋里灌了铅一样...(Origi looks like he has lead in his boots.)

Paris2Berlin(法国球迷)：有人报警吗？利物浦后防线全体失踪啦！(Somebody call the police, Liverpools full backs have gone missing.)
 

小将佩雷斯两球，巴萨2-0神户胜利船

MarcusBrutus2000(未知主队球迷)：在一个没有巴尔韦德的世界里，佩雷斯成长为了下一个佩德罗。(In a Valverdeless world, he would turn into our next Pedro.)

AshwinKattak(巴萨球迷)：神户胜利船有伊涅斯塔、比利亚、桑佩尔、波多尔斯基和维尔马伦，然后又是怎么才能排在J联赛第15名的…(Vissell Kobe have Iniesta, David villa, Samper, Podolski, Vermaelen. i just dont understand how they're 15th in the J league.)

马夏尔戈麦斯进球，曼联2-1热刺

johnsom3(曼联球迷)：赶紧下注我们曼联世界杯夺冠！(Definitely odds on favorites now to win the world cup.)

batuhanboz27(曼联球迷)：感觉我们每年季前赛都这样…(That is with every pre season.)

Twersx(未知主队球迷)：还有谁不相信索帅能带领我们再来一次三冠王？(Imagine thinking Solskjaer isn't going to win us the treble again.)

ItsAFuckingDisgrace(未知主队球迷)：边裁是直到下周二才能举起那越位的旗子吧…(Linesman gonna raise his offside flag around next Tuesday.)

Spooglemac(未知主队球迷)：曼联本次季前赛的每一个进球都由青训球员打进或助攻，我们的“19班”要到来了？(Every goal United have scored this pre-season has either been scored or assisted by an academy graduate. Class of '19 incoming?)

Seb-sama(曼联球迷)：我喜欢我们的小将，但其余那些朽木却还是不可雕也…(I love our young ones but man our deadwood are still a bunch of deadwood.)

贝尔表现亮眼，皇马2-2阿森纳

VEgeta18(皇马球迷)：都有两张红牌了，竟然没一张是给拉莫斯？(2 red cards and none for Ramos?)

TopperinoKekkerino(皇马球迷)：贝尔救赎的表现就像是詹姆-兰尼斯特！(Looks like Bales redemption arc ended just like Jaime Lannister’s)

varro-reatinus(阿森纳球迷)：我们那英冠级别的后防，让贝尔看起来又牛逼了起来…(our Championship-grade defence is making Bale look great.)

Samtheblackmamba(皇马球迷)：真找不到比贝尔踢点球更差的球员了！(Can't believe there were worse pens than Bale's.)

Intelligenes_(皇马球迷)：我想拿他去换隔壁巴萨那个点球更差的…(I want to swap him for the worse guy in Barcelona.)

Nmouchel(国际米兰球迷)：贝尔应该去拜仁！上次皇马把边锋卖给拜仁时，之后的剧情你们都知道的！(Bale should go to Bayern. The last time they took a Real winger made of glass it turned out ok!)

Kaffeemugger(拜仁球迷)：就是他发量有点超标。(Not bald enough.)

sholatp(纽卡斯尔球迷)：贝尔转会去了其他球队，一路杀到欧冠决赛再对阵皇马，然后在攻入绝杀球后在齐祖面前庆祝，还模仿了齐祖2006年世界杯决赛头顶红牌的经典动作…(Bale to move to another team, reach CL final against Real Madrid, score winning goal and celebrate by acting out the 2006 World Cup red card in front of Zidane.)

FPLsmu(未知主队球迷)：贝尔还有另一种选择，就是留在马德里继续打高尔夫球，然后还能领天文数字的工资…(He has another toption. Stay at Real and play golf while earning millions.)

DcentLiverpoolMuslim(未知主队球迷)：这赛季前的闹剧就像是九头蛇一样，你刚砍掉一个，立马就会有另一个冒出来…(the drama during this pre-season is like hydra. when one finishes another takes its place.)

tapped21(未知主队球迷)：足球就是伪装成一项运动的狗血肥皂剧而已！(Football's just a telenovela disguised as a sport.)

resident_hater(阿森纳球迷)：贝尔的登场更像是绑架团伙的交易筹码——中国买家：“你得保证他还活着，我们才能交赎金，给我看证据！”皇马：“好的！”然后就让贝尔踢了这场比赛…(Bale coming on feels like part of a hostage negotiation. China: We won't pay the ransom until we know he's alive. We need proof of life. RM: Fine. But just this once.)

The_Promised_Land(曼联球迷)：如果这真是贝尔在皇马的最后一场比赛，那面对老死敌阿森纳进球也算是诗意满满了…(If this is to be his last game for Real, it's got to be a bit poetic that he scores against old rivals Arsenal.)

Alexanderlch(皇马球迷)：这是齐祖的一步大棋！羞辱了贝尔一番，就是为了激励他成为C罗！(5D chess Zidane is playing humiliating Bale to turn him into CR7.)

Rompskee(阿森纳球迷)：帕帕斯塔索普洛斯是我们后卫里唯一一个韧带还好使的后卫了…(Sokratis is our only competent defender with functioning ligaments.)

Cragcrag(未知主队球迷)：贝尔，汉语可是比西班牙语更难学的哦！(Bale, Chinese is much harder to learn than Spanish.)

MagyarFoci29(未知主队球迷)：那中国的高尔夫球咋样啊？(How is the Golf in China?)

格列兹曼首秀，巴萨1-2切尔西

gd16dcfc(切尔西球迷)：若日尼奥助攻了？(Jorginho assist?)

carpie101(切尔西球迷)：谁还需要阿扎尔啊？(Who needs Hazard?)

SouthFromGranada(切尔西球迷)：我早就喜欢看季前热身赛了！(Always rated preseason friendlies.)

BlaugranaChief(巴萨球迷)：我说…布斯克茨你现在是在为巴萨踢球，不是切尔西…(Umm Busquets you play for FC Barcelona not Chelsea my man...)

KDBae(未知主队球迷)：看巅峰期的布斯克茨踢球确实是一种享受，但这老哥现在是不是后退太厉害了…(Busquets's one of the best players to watch on his day, but it feels like he's receding lately.)

4khz(剑桥联球迷)：确实，他发际线相比于2010年真是后退了不少。(Yeah, his hairline hasn't been the same since 2010.)

bicikl(切尔西球迷)：惊！巴萨已报价切尔西中场罗斯-哈维伊涅斯塔-巴克利！(Shocking news. Barcelona bid for Chelsea midfielder Ross '' Xavi Iniesta '' Barkley.)

djmar-v(巴萨球迷)：请检查一下巴克利的巴萨DNA。(dna test please.)

stevew14I(曼联球迷)：可我听说这赛季的切尔西是软柿子啊？(But I was told Chelsea were going to be easy meat this season...)

AAA_BATT(巴萨球迷)：我们能先暂停比赛等梅西回来么…(Can we stop the match and wait for Messi?)

Srjnp(未知主队球迷)：巴萨这招妙啊，把球衣改成克罗地亚的格子图案，就能给辣鸡的能力值加5分了！(200IQ move by barca to change their jersey pattern to match croatia giving rakitic +5 overall stats.)

错失酋长杯，阿森纳1-2里昂